I was reading Jenefur’s blog yesterday about bad neighbors and found myself nodding along with her post. During my 33.5 years on this planet, I’ve had 3 really bad neighbors and today I’ll tell you about ONE of them.
10 years ago, I lived in a cutesy little “Melrose Place” style condo right near the beach. It was swell–the entire complex was painted in pastel pinks and greens and brought to mind mid ’80s Miami Vice. I lived in the upstairs unit and below me was a guy I’ll call Dean (because that was his name).
Dean was shortish geek who wore giant glasses and whose head was disproportionately larger than his body. In our year of being neighbors, we spoke a handful of times and he never ’wow-ed’ me with his conversational skills. He was just a regular guy with a squeaky voice.
Despite his innate nerdiness, somehow Dean was popular with the ladies. Admittedly, I never actually saw any of the ladies who were interested in him, so I can’t tell you what they looked like, but let’s just say he was rarely without company.
So what was so awful about my neighbor? I think Dean was on a quest to be a porn star. I base my conjecture on the yelps, whinnies, shouts, and squeals that emanated from his bedroom (and rest of the condo) at all hours of the day and night.
It was unnerving to be cleaning my bedroom at 1:00pm on a Saturday afternoon and to suddenly notice that MY HEADBOARD was banging against the wall from the vibrations of Dean’s headboard banging against the wall downstairs.
Women shrieked his name in fits of passion (?!) and those screams are still burned into my brain years later. In any event, I hated him and his porn sessions, which seemed to last for inordinate amounts of time–I’m talking marathon sessions in which I would leave the house, go grocery shopping, visit the post office and return home and the howling would only THEN be reaching a fevered pitch.
Of course the noise provided mirth if I had someone else in the condo with me, but being alone with that kind of noise is just creepy and made me feel cheap and violated–hey, he didn’t even buy me dinner!
So, I moved out–into my house with Husbandito. And I thanked my lucky stars that I would no longer have to be an unwilling third party in Dean’s carnal pleasures. Dean taught me a few things, most importantly, to check www.rottenneighbor.com before moving ANYWHERE ever again. This nifty little site allows you to read up on the neighbors BEFORE you move it. It’s so much fun!
So, pony up. Do you have any bad neighbors?
At the apartment, I like neighbors who ignore me and I ignore them. For the love bungalow? I am secretly hoping someone makes it over with a plate of cookies!
Yeah, that would have irritated me.
But now you get The Gargoyles instead!
note: “The Gargoyles” are my current neighbors who lurk on their porch watching us come and go–and yes, they are very ugly, with snarling faces.
and it should be noted that i have had GREAT neighbors–my dearest friend G (of the hello kitty heist fame and the nyc adventures) was my neighbor from 1978 until 1985.
Your story about Dean reminds me of some neighbors that I had when I lived in Brooklyn, years ago.
There was a young couple living upstairs. They were nice folks and had two adorable toddlers who visited Grandma overnight every week or so. My roommate and I learned to watch for Grandma’s car, because it always meant the same thing when the kids left….playtime!
Favorite quotes heard through the ceiling?
1) Wife: “Don’t you dare stop or I’ll rip your nuts off!”
2) Husband: “I’m TRYING to get it undone, just shut the hell up for a minute!”
I cannot guarantee that these quotes were sex-related, but after all these years it occurs to me that it is even funnier if they weren’t!