There are still goosebumps on my arms and my pulse hasn’t returned to normal quite yet. I was downstairs in the dungeon doing some laundry–because who doesn’t do laundry at 1am the night before leaving on a weekend trip–when sudden movement caught my eye.
Bending down to grab some towels, a GIANT–and by that I mean HUGE–mutant monster cricket/spider/demon bug hybrid lunged at me!!! I recoiled in sheer terror, a shriek escaping my lips. I have never, and I mean never, seen a bug of this magnitude before. This bug must have traveled from a foreign land to get to my basement. I’ve lived in Jersey for almost 36 years and have never seen a creature like this.
While attempting to keep an eye on the Franken-Bug, who was menacing me, I casted about for something with which to smite it. My mouth was dry, and I heard a loud clanging in my ears. Where the hell was Husban-dito when I needed him?!
In desperation, I threw a towel over the bug. And then I tossed a heavier towel on top of the first and then another for good measure. I can only hope that the weight of the towels will prevent this monstrosity from boinging up two flights of stairs and bouncing down the hallway into my bedroom to attack me as I slumber.
Shaking, I sprinted from the dungeon to my office, immediately parked myself at the computer, and Googled “horrifying spider cricket mutant bug’. I was greeted with the image of the EXACT bug that is now resting under several layers of beach towels:
I'm STILL shaking from the encounter with this mutant bug.
And here’s small sampling of what Wiki had to say:
- To avoid starvation, they have been known to devour their own extremities, even though they cannot regenerate limbs. (Now that’s appetizing…)
- Given their limited vision, cave crickets will often jump towards any perceived threat in an attempt to frighten it away. (ROGER THAT!) Their large hind legs allow them to jump high and far. (NO SHIT!!!)
- Cave and camel crickets (also known as spider crickets) are of little economic importance except as a nuisance in buildings and homes, especially basements. They are usually “accidental invaders” (From where, praytell? HELL?!?!) that wander in by mistake from adjacent areas. They generally do not reproduce indoors, except in situations that provide continuous dark, moist conditions, such as a basement shower or laundry area, as well as organic debris to serve as food.
- Although they appear intimidating, they are harmless to humans. (Right. Except for inducing myocardial infarction in 30-something bloggers.)
- Their long legs have caused them to be more commonly referred to as “sprickets” or “spickets”, a blending of “spiders” (whose legs they resemble) and “crickets”.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tell Husban-dito I left a present for him under some towels in the basement. I’ll let him wrangle this monster bug because I’m DONE. D-O-N-E. Now could someone please pass me a Valium?
Enjoy the weekend!
Posted in humor, life, marriage | Tagged bug in my basement, bug in the laundry room, cricket spider bug, evil cricket bug, i'm afraid of bugs, monster bugs, monsters, spider cricket monster bug | 16 Comments »
Boy, was that sushi not my cup of tea. :) I’m sticking with mac and cheese* from here on out.
*And by mac and cheese I mean the blue box brand. No other mac and cheese can hold a candle to that fake cheese taste! Yum.
Posted in Food, life | Tagged like i'd really have a baby, mac and cheese, sushi is not my favorite | 9 Comments »
Please use your talents and powers to guess which of the following statements is TRUE:
1. While on a school trip to Niagara Falls, I went over Bridal Falls in a barrel.
2. Husban-dito and I have finally! crossed to the dark side and on or around November 11, 2010, we will henceforth be known as Daddy and Mommy.
3. I ate sushi.
Posted in Food, life | Tagged eating sushi, family, friends, having a baby, life, niagara falls, stress | 21 Comments »